Hurting...

Tonight is just one of those nights where I'm gonna pour out my heart, and if you care to join me-do. But plan not to judge because I am withered and weak, but pressing ever so close to MY Father's heart.  I am bearing my soul, not for you, but for me.
This last year has been a struggle. A struggle of faith, fear, patience, weakness, perserverance......and so many more feelings that I can't describe. I look back to a year ago and I wouldn't have thought we'd still be in the same spot we are. I thought we'd be further. But apparently not and I am certain God knows that too.
Too many times I push myself. I am a helper, nuturer by nature-but some days this woman needs nuturing too.
Yes, I chose the life I have. The amount of children, the homeschool {by God's direction}, the daily rucuss and all that goes with it. But I feel drained. I wake serving, I go to bed thinking of what I have to do tomorrow-yes, the life of all Mothers; wives; women.
I am tired and weak-weak in my faith walk. I feel like a failure. I feel like I just want to pack a suitcase and just RUN. Run where? I have no clue. I know in the times I felt this way, I cannot run to a natural someone-I have tried those efforts before-I have to run to God. I have to shut out all of the outside influences and run to HIM. This time seems harder somehow. Like I have to hide my face-Like I can't find relief in HIM. {which is a lie from the enemy, of course}
I feel like I am suffocating. Like I can't breath-Too many voices-Too many people calling "Mom", "Robin", "Honey"......when does it end.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh.....Yea, that is what it sounds like in my head.  I need fresh air....I need HIS presence.
I need a breath of the freshest air possible, a dose of God's Holy presence. Where I can be Me. Where He holds me and tells me how much HE loves me. I am beautiful, I am loved, I am valued.
A place where man often runs from. A place where many say that HE doesn't exist or doesn't care. OH, but not me. I know better. I just need a gentle reminder sometimes. {ok, so sometimes it's not so gently, it's sometimes a swift kick to the rear}


My task now, I have decided to write down all the things I do and decide what counts and what stays on the list. Some things have to go. I have to have time to be in His presence and time to take care of me. I have long gone on taking care of everyone else and my body is telling me I have to take care of me if I plan on taking care of everyone else from now on. My body is hurting. {Healed}.