Learning to Love God's way...

I said I was taking a bloggin' break, but I will...just after this post I felt lead to write.....

I was reading Mckmama's post and I just cried reading all of it, then the posts after. Hearing these women's pain and knowing all too well what it feels like. But I sat and bawled not only over all the loss (including my own), but of my repentence of how much I take for granted. I wake to five beautiful children and I start my day as if I live in la la land somedays.
I want to be a better mother. I want to be the one that does crafty things, who lets them get dirty because they can be cleaned up. I want to be the mother that doesn't mind a mess for a while because my children are laughing and happy and THAT is what matters.
I want to be the mother who always remembers that God is bigger than any mistake I make. That my God is Love and He is the only one who can help me show Love like He does.
Recently, I read the Shack and the Lord told me to give it to my Mother. Well, that wasn't able to happen because she never showed up. But, today-I need to know that I am doing what He wants me to do-In Love. Whether I know the final outcome or not. What does this all have to do with the Mckmama post, you ask?
I am a mother, and I live daily, for the past 11 years without my mother. There were too many things left hurt and broken that we severed the relationship. I ache every birthday, Christmas, New Years-any occasion you would normaly celebrate with your Mother. I have tried to heal the wounds between us-and God was the only one to help me forgive. I forgave, but have never really forgotten that she is never here. Never here for birthdays or any holiday for that matter. I have reached out with no response and I sit listening to all these mothers who have lost a child and who ache for them daily, while I have a mother who refuses to reach out unless it is on HER terms.
I would go to the ends of the earth for my children-no matter what they did or I thought they did!! They are so precious to me! I don't want to be my mother, in that sense-I don't want to ever miss a moment in their lives.
I want God to show me how to love my Mother-His way.Yes, I have forgiven, but it is time to forget. To forget the hurts and stretch out my arms in faith that God will meet me there.
I don't know if my mother truly misses me-I would hope she does- and that is where the post comes in-I don't want her to hurt like all the mothers that have lost, because I am here. I am real. I need my Mother.
I am asking God to heal all the wounds and make a way to restore this relationship with His Love.
Happy Valentines........My Sweet Mother........I remember the way you used to love me-Let's start again.