Emotional

I said I would post some seriousness...so here it is. It may be a little TMI...but it's what is on my mind since Mother's Day.

I rocked Caitlyn to sleep Mother's Day night (she was having issues with her ears and she had a major breakout from all of her allergies) and as I was rocking her, in a rocking chair Chris' Grandmother gave us when Jordan was born. Memories of my childhood flooded back. Memories of my other childrens childhood. Just family in general. I miss all the days of rocking them, loving them....how precious they are. How I take that for granted. How blessed I am. Why is it I can't begin to explain the emotions that rolled through my body as I held my sweet baby.

Wondering, thinking if my Mother even missed the life we would have had if things hadn't gone so south. I mean, I can't imagine my life without my children-no matter what they did-I just cringe at the thought of never seeing my Grandchildren (when I become a Grandmother). To only see glimpses of pictures or hear about them through the grapevine.

I ache for her. I yearn for her. Yet, I know it is best to stay my distance as I will only get hurt again. I have put out my hand so many times with it only to return hurt from regection.

I have said this to my closest friends, If my husband was abusive (which he is SO not! Thank you, Jesus), I would NEVER, EVER leave my children for him. No matter how much I loved him-my children didn't ask to be brought into this world-I owe them the best. I owe them me and the best life that I can give them with God's help.

Yes, that is what my Mother did. She chose Him. She picked Him. Oh, those words hurt deep. Being a Mother I all too well know the word Sacrifice-and she did not choose us. She chose him. She left us.

I am not saying she was a complete failure, she just chose her life before ours. I couldn't even imagine the thought! Oh...how I love them deeply! They are so precious!

So, as I rocked my sweet baby, I cried. I cried because God has blessed me abundandly in my loss of my real Mother. He has given my Mother in Laws, Vanessa and Kathy. Who have loved me, given advice, spoiled the kids and I could go on for hours....but I won't.

I yearn for her.......What would my life have been like if she hadn't left...If she chose us. I will never know, but God will heal my wounds. And maybe in the future.....She'll change. But in the meantime, I am so Thankful. Thankful God has chosen me to be there Mother and I will always choose them.